Have You Really Healed?

5 years went by after my mom’s passing, and I still hadn’t even scratched the surface of healing from it.

What I thought was healing, was actually numbness. I had no idea who I really was or what God wanted for me. I found my satisfaction in being good at my job vs. delighting in Jesus.
My happiness came from being acknowledged for my hard work, rather than having the joy of the Lord.
I had a full-time job in student ministry, and I was burned out the majority of the time. Subconsciously, I was working hard to avoid the pain that came when I was all to myself.

It took spiritual warfare for me to realize the place I was in.

In 2017, I had a long battle with insomnia, averaging 4 hours of sleep a night. I blamed it on the stress of my job, when in all actuality, I was reaching the end of my rope. Our team was very busy at the time and I had quite a few projects on my hands.

But what I never had was peace.

In the midst of this pain, I started dating my now husband, Grant. I remember thinking “What have I done to deserve this amazing man? If only he knew the mess I am right now.”

My insomnia battle led to a real struggle with depression.

I walked into an office every day that I didn’t want to be in.
I was dating a man who I knew could potentially be my husband, and my mom wasn’t there to see it.
I didn’t have any sisters, let alone many girlfriends at the time.
I was the only girl on staff with a bunch of guys who were like brothers to me, but man was I lonely.

It was on a missions trip away from Grant, away from my day-to-day, and in the midst of serving others that I realized – something has to change.

I remember coming home from that trip and through a waterfall of tears, telling my dad what was going on. He was nothing but encouraging and accepting of who I was. That was when the shame was lifted, and I decided to go to counseling for the first time.

I always left my counseling sessions more aware of what was happening with my emotions. It was painful coming to terms with being completely numb. I was scared of what would happen the moment I’d have to feel again (like what I was already feeling wasn’t enough to carry).

But what I came to realize in the healing process is that God not only carried my pain for me, but He replaced it with something better.

When I thought my negative emotions would explode and overwhelm my mind, He proved that He is bigger.

When I’d give Him my depression, He’d give me joy.
When I’d give Him my hopelessness, He’d give me hope.
When I’d express my anger, He’d remind me of His understanding.
When I couldn’t do it anymore, He gave me rest.
When my anxiety was high, He’d replace it with His peace.

All of these blessings gave me all the more reason to let myself feel, and give that hurt to Him. Because there was no doubt in my mind then that He would do something good through it.

A few months later, I quit my job. Long story short, I knew student ministry wasn’t my calling, and I needed time to figure out what my next step was.

Grant and I got married, and I expected to immediately find a job upon returning from our honeymoon. But that was not the case. Each job opportunity I pursued never worked out.

Looking back, I think God wanted me to be home in that season so that I could heal, one-on-one with Him. And I can honestly say that because of that season, I am a completely different woman than I was in 2017.

That season led me to conversations over coffee with women who provided wisdom. Phone calls with my sweet aunt who always spoke hope into my life. Journal entries expressing my thoughts and feelings to the Lord. Driving alone and worshiping Him in my car.

I know I’m no longer numb because I’m not scared to feel anymore. I know that I have healed because it brings me the utmost joy to share my grief journey, for the sake of providing hope for others.

I will always miss my mom until I see her again, but God has restored this area of my life two-fold… and I’m only 25.

I share my story to provide hope for you, and to cause you to ask yourself how healed you think you are.

Are you scared to talk about your grief? Do you tend to gloss over the topic when it’s brought up? Do you find yourself angry or stressed more often than not? Are you just trying to survive on a daily basis?

Everyone grieves very differently so I am not here to tell you how you should or shouldn’t grieve. But I will encourage you to go deeper. The moments you want to avoid it may actually be the moments to pursue it. It’s going to feel like jumping off a cliff and having no idea what’s down below. But you quickly realize that He is the One that catches you before you even have time to fall. He always shows up.

Wherever you are in your journey, God will meet you there. The moment you give up control, He sustains you more than you could have ever sustained yourself. And not only that, He fills you up with joy and provides you reason to live and opportunities to share your story.

Healing is available to you now. What might your next step be to finding healing? All I can say is – Don’t do it alone. If you need someone to talk to, or if you need prayer, head over to the contact page. I’d love to meet you, pray for you, and connect you with someone who’s been in your shoes.

“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.”

Psalm 9:9